With
cosmetics working wonders for most damaged facial skins, cosmetologists
have come up with a wonder bum-fixer – it is called a `bacial’ – a
bottom facial which, according to those in the know, is the hottest
beauty therapy.
These days when self-portraits of posteriors are posted on social
media, maybe your bum could do with a belfy too. Your significant other
might even find it a turn-on, giving your sex life the boost it richly
deserves!
Many of those undergoing the bum facials said they were motivated by
seeing celebrities’ perfect behinds on twitter or Instagram. According
to Esther Fieldgrass, the CEO of EF Medispa, “One of the most common
complaints is a spotty bottom. Blemishes can be caused by anything from
hormones to tight underwear causing friction and trapping sweat against
the skin, but a bit of TLC can work wonders”. And when it comes to
bottoms, one size apparently doesn’t fit all. That’s why each client is
subjected to an assessment.
Kim, a recent convert recounts her experience: “I strip off my jeans
and climb onto the massage table. My therapist then pull off my bikini
bottoms and having endured the embarrassment of my 55-year-old buttocks
being scrutinised under an unforgiving light, I perked up when she
informed me that I was fortunate enough to be free of blemishes. But,
she told me gravely years of neglect have left my bottom looking rather
lacklustre. Some maintenance, she told me, was most definitely in order.
That what were once dimples on my bum were now plain cellulite.
“She then prescribed a `smoothie’ which wasn’t a drink but a chemical
peel aimed at removing dead skin cells. This was to be followed by LED
light therapy – a non-invasive treatment using a light-grade cold laser
to heal problematic skin. But first my buttocks were massaged with tea
tree cleansing cream. While having a stranger pummel my bum was
peculiar, I did feel my bum begin to relax!
Next came another cleanser, using a toner that aimed to increase skin
cell turnover, and then it was time for the smoothie – a gentle peel
that will restore a glow without visible irritation. She pressed the
mask on and left me to relax for 15 minutes while the mask move its
magic. I couldn’t help wondering what on earth my husband would make of
all this if he could see me wearing nothing but a mask across my bum!
“After a quarter of an hour has passed, damp, warm flannels were used
to wipe off the mask, leaving my buttocks invigorated. Then it was time
for the sciencey bit, with a little LED light therapy – which uses a
combination of coloured lights to promote the healing, correct
pigmentation, help with any scar tissue and encourage circulation. After
15 minutes, the LED was wheeled away and she massaged a divine-smelling
shea butter moisturiser into the whole area, gently putting one hand on
top of the other and tapping to create a vibrating sensation, which
apparently aids lympatic drainage.
The process ended with a warning I should keep my buttocks hydrated
for the next four or five days using a rich body lotion. Finally I sat
up and, even without looking, I felt optimistic about the state of my
derriere. Just knowing it’s had such a state-of-the-art treatment made
me feel more confident.”
And so it should – at almost N100,000 per treatment, it is like sitting on a fortune.
Kim said it was worth it though. According to her: “After just one
session, I was delighted, as was my husband, who commented on how smooth
my bum felt. It felt firmer, the skin looks plump, its tone better, and
my formerly dehydrated cheek felt soft like a baby’s bottom!”
For those of us who couldn’t afford to check in into one of these
posh spas abroad, there is hope – if pampering your bum is the next fad
on your to-do beauty list. Take a good look at your dressing table. All
those little pots of expensive wonder creams that you’ve virtually
stopped using now come in handy. So when next your ‘mama calabar’ oops,
sorry your masseur, pays her once-a- week visit, instead of her using
her dodgy looking olive oil as a massage, pass on those creams to her.
Ask her to start on your bum first, kneading it as if it were a dough
before slapping the day-light out of it. Don’t worry, she would know
what to do. You can throw in that obsolete face mask for effect.
“After a few treatments, your bum should be the best for it. You can
now disrobe as often as you like – in front of your mirror, (which
should give you a clear picture of how your bum now books) amongst
friends and more daringly, with your salivating other half waiting to
pounce. Surely, anything to boost your confidence and improve your
waning love-life should be worth all that bother”.
